


its gonna be okay.

by Aperson4444



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Memory Loss, Minor Violence, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, basically i wrote this fic VAGUELY using civil war as a guide., cuts / bruises, its pretty queer, troubles with eating/food
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:15:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29975856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aperson4444/pseuds/Aperson4444
Summary: “ i didn't know he was alive…. I- i cant believe it.”Steve said, well looking at the S.H.I.E.L.D file. They were assigned to track down the dangerous assassin and terminate him.“Steve, hello? This is a dangerous assassin, how could you know him?” tony asked“I- i knew him from back in the day… we were- ugh, friends. Best friends. I thought… i thought he died.”"bucky..."
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	1. chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> yeah just vibing with this. idk. there's minor depictions of violence in this btw. (fighting, mentions of blood, cuts, bruises ext... oh mind manipulation ya know.) idk if it will be a problem for anyone. i don't think so but you know, just to be sure.

“i didn't know he was alive…. I- i cant believe it.”

Steve said, looking well at the S.H.I.E.L.D file. They were assigned to track down the dangerous assassin and terminate him.

“Steve, hello? This is a dangerous assassin, how could you know him?” tony asked

“I- i knew him from back in the day… we were- friends. Best friends. I thought… i thought he died.”

Everyone went silent at the tension in the air. It was a sad story, your best friend you thought was dead, is now apparently a maniac killing machine for a terrorist organization.

“Well im sorry steve but.. S.H.I.E.L.D gave us orders. Hes not the same guy you knew. This guy has killed hundreds.” tony said.

“No. no somethings not right, bucky would have never done this… he knows how bad hydra is… he would never. no. “ steve was hunched over looking at the table in pure thought.

“Look steve im sorry, but he is a terrorist. And i know what terrorists are like, not. Good.”

“I have to find him. Then if he isnt who i thought he is, we can… deal with him. But please guys, somethings happened. I promise, ill let S.H.I.E.L.D deal with him if he turns out to be…. Not who i thought he was. but only after i speak with him.”

“Steve im not letting you take extra time to talk to him and let more people get killed. We have to all go after this guy NOW.”

But steve just walked out of the room. and left.

Tony sighed.

  
  


Natasha spoke up “Tony, we dont know the story. Who knows maybe…”

“What natasha? Maybe this assassin is just an innocent person? Whos killed? Murdered hundreds? Someone we can forgive?”

Natasha gave him a stern look. And tony returned it.

“Lets just let steve talk to him, ive murdered before tony. And now look at me, im an avenger trying to do better every waking moment. So im not sure if we can forgive this, but i do want to hear him out.” 

Tony stared.

“And you know i know someone who murdered many in the past, with nuclear war weapons, and look where he is now. Nobody blames him for what he did.” she added carefully.

“I agree with her tony.” clint added.

Wanda stayed silent but nodded.

Thor spoke up “im unsure. I do believe that this man is not good, he is currently murdering so many innocents. I agree with both of you but i am not sure quite were i lie…” he definitely was thinking about his brother in this moment.

Bruce and vision didn't talk. Instead just sharing a quick glance.

Tony walked out of the room with a huff. But he decided his best course of action as to not complicate stuff was to wait to scold Rogers until he got back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few weeks later the avengers were all in the tower doing their own things in the common area, when friday spoke. 

_ “Sir, Mr. Rogers has returned and has the winter soldier with him. They are both at the door, and they both seem heavily injured.” _

Everyone instantly panicked, Tony called a suit, nat and Clint got their weapons out, form where ever they hid them. bruce left the room not wanting to make a mess of stuff unless needed. Thor called his hammer, and vision went to Wanda, right as her hands started to glow. 

  
  


**[POV shift = Steve]**

They made it to the tower, and he honestly didn't know if it was the right choice, he had found bucky with hydra after tracking down their base. (using the help of some S.H.I.E.L.D files of course.) he saw bucky in a machine, they were speaking to him in a different language…. He was screaming… he burst in without really thinking. and had fought hydra, he left very beat up. 

Who knew fighting a group of terrorists well outnumbered hurts?

with him he took an injured bucky. They made it to an abandoned building. And steve had tried to talk to him,

“Bucky oh my god, i cant believe your alive! Are you okay? Whats happened to you?? I didnt know you made it i-” he stopped when he watched bucky. 

Bucky's gaze traveled up until he met Steve's eyes, something was… different.

“Bucky?...”

He went closer to his friend but instantly was punched square in the face. He fell over and dodged another attack.

“BUCKY?”

They kept sparring before he answered.

“I-i don't know you.”

Steve heard the hesitation. He pinned bucky down, 

“We were best friends, bucky, we went to war together, remember all the times i got in fights? And you'd always come and save me?”

Bucky's eyes went wide, and he kicked rogers off.

“No- no, no! **NO**!” he grabbed at his hair and squeezed his eyes shut. 

“Its okay bucky… it's okay..”

“NO! I- i don't know you, you… i, i didn't have a life before- before-...”

He kept punching, kept fighting, and steve saw the way his body sagged, and tilted with each step.

“Bucky, its okay, your gonna be okay.”

Bucky looked at him a moment, and steve saw tears build up.

“Were gonna be okay,”

He blocked buckys weak attempts at punching. And pulled him into a strong, restraining, hug.

“I'm with ya, bucky.” steve started. 

Bucky froze in his hold.

“T-tell the end of the line…” he finished for steve.

Steve's eyes widened, he pulled back.

“You-you remember?!”

Bucky didnt speak, he just looked downwards. He started to breath faster. He looked up into steves gaze once, pure fear, no, pure _terror_ , 

before he fell too the ground.

“BUCKY!”

  
  
  
  


And now they were here. The avengers tower. they where injured, where else could they go? He couldnt carry bucky around to a normal hospital, he isnt evil, but his brain was still messed up, and he didnt need S.H.I.E.L.D stealing him away from the hospital when steve wasnt looking. 

(if there was a second bucky was ever out of his line of sight.)

“Its okay buck, its okay, where gonna be okay,” steve tried to reassure bucky even though he wasnt sure if he was even still awake there leaning on his side. Steve didnt like the feeling of his blood spilling out onto him.

“FRIDAY? Where is everyone right now?” he didnt want to shock them with having brought bucky here by randomly walking in on them.

_ “They area all currently in the commonplace area on the 87th floor. I have alerted them of your arrival, along with the winter soldiers. They are now geared up and are moving quickly.” _

Steve felt bucky shift beside him, he looked over and saw on buckys bloody face, fear. 

“FRIDAY, please bucky isnt dangerous right now, tell tony to only come down himself and or with one or two others. I dont want to scare bucky. Show him what bucky looks like right now.”

Bucky and steve both had blood on them. And an array of different cuts and bruises of different severity. Steve only hoped tony would understand the situation.

He waited well FRIDAY supposedly did as he asked, all the while bucky was slipping in an out of consciousness.

  
  


After about two minutes the elevator door dinged open, steve turned so his body was somewhat in front of bucky. Ready to defend him.

There standing in the elevator, was tony, natasha, and wanda.

Of course tony brought some of the strongest avengers as his backup.

“Steve-” tony started but the captain cut him off

“Tony i know, i know, but its not him, this is bucky, my friend, he isn't a murderer, they did something to his brain tony. Please help me, help him- _us_ , please! He isn't well, but he remembers me- kinda, look i just- he just needs a doctor, please!” 

The desperation in his voice was something tony hadn't heard before, and by the looks on the assassins face it seemed like he was already asleep… but still.

“How do we know this isnt some elaborate trick to get inside the avengers tower? He could be faking it steve. Im sorry, i just-”

“Tony. that man looks half dead, he cant be faking it.” wanda cut in.

“In my field of work, ive seen this happen before. They pretend to be injured and then they get taken into the super high tech building because its the only place that has a medic. then **BOOM** they attack.”

Steve felt his heart drop. 

_ No they had to let them get help, bucky just needs a doctor then they could leave. _

“tony. Wanda.  _ Nat _ . please, bucky wouldnt do that, he can barely stand. And just for the record, he didnt want to come here, i had to drag him here after he fell to the ground. He kept trying to leave, because he thought all of you were going to hurt him. So if thats all your going to do then ill go find somewhere else. But the whole reason i came here was so shield or hydra wouldnt track us down. So  **please!** Help him!” his voice grew angry and firm. Although he still was scared to the bone.

They stood there unsure, until it was wanda who broke the tension, by using her powers to lift bucky lightely in the air, and walk towards the towers medical wing.

“If you all do not help him, i will do so myself.” 

Steve ran past the others to join them.

Tony looked shell shocked but didnt stop them. And nat just face palmed and followed.

  
  


“ _ Dr. Banner, you are needed urgently in the medical wing of the tower. “  _ FRIDAY said to bruce who was reading in the common room

And thats how bruce walked into the medical wing, seeing a brutally bloody, cut and beat up assassin they were supposed to have located and killed. Along with a determined looking wanda, and a concerned, almost equally bloody steve.

“Ugh guys?...” bruce asked having stopped in the door way.

“Bruce, look i know what this looks like but please its an emergency ill explain later.”

Bruce eyed steve.

“Pleace bruce…”

And with that he sighed and decided this definitely wasn't the craziest shit ever, and went to help the guy.

“Here guys, i need room to work, can you wait outside?” 

“Will you be okay bruce?” wanda asked

“Don't worry if he tries to lung at me the hulk will just start breaking stuff.”

Wanda walked out.

But steve stayed staring at bucky for a moment, then hesitantly started to walk away.

“W-wait” bucky spoke, merely more then a whisper his eyes still closed.

“Bucky??” steve asked, meanwhile bruce was quickly rushing around grabbing his tools.

“Ple-pleasSse steve dont-” he trailed off.

“Bucky! Its okay, im here, i wont leave. Its okay, your safe, we-were safe.” steve said, his voice holding back emotion.

“Okay if your staying then your being quiet.”

  
  


Steve sat in the back of the room as bruce worked. He cleaned the cuts, and stitched some of the deeper ones up. He got an IV going filled with fluids. And another one for pain meds.

He did some other tests and things steve didnt really understand. Bucky had fallen asleep halfway. It scared steve thinking he was in a diying, but really bruce explained that his body was jsut so exhausted that it crashed. So he was just asleep.

Eventually bruce finished, it seemed like it took hours, and maybe it had, steve couldnt tell. He was too worried.

“So he has multiple cuts, bruises, some worse than others. But you knew that. His body seems completely worn out and exhausted. Along with being dehydrated and underfed. He also has a bunch of old scars, and other wounds that have now healed.”

Steve held his face in his hands. He couldn't believe buckys went through all this. Not even jus the cuts and bruises but the torture. He was forced to kill.  _ To  _ **_kill_ ** hundreds….

Bruce stopped his train of thought

“I'd suggest he needs to have a long resting period, a diet plan to slowly get his body back up to speed, care for his wounds, and also from what we know, with him being a literal assassin, therapy, and possibly prison.”

Bruce rubbed his eyes.

“Jesus steve, who is this guy?? Why did you make me treat an assassin?? He literally has killed people steve!! And i just helped him oh my god…”

“Bruce this…. This wasnt him. When i found him, he was being tortured, i beat up some terrorists and got away with him. But he- he didnt remember me bruce… he attacked me and i kept trying to get him to remember. And i could see- i could _see_ bruce that he was-”

Steve stopped and swallowed his emotions.

“remembering. But- but he kept trying to keep them back, as if it was all too much for him. But then he remembered, he remembered, and got really scared, then fucking passed out bruce.”

  
  


Bruce was silent now.

“Bruce something happened to him. He doesn't remember everything. But he knows that I was someone that mattered to him. Enough to where he trusted me to take him here, to let you treat him, to where he wants me in the same room for comfort. I'm not letting him back there, I'm not letting him be forced to kill, and I am not. Letting S.H.I.E.L.D torture him for info.” his voice was stern and wet with emotion again.

All bruce did was nod. 

“I'm gonna go run these scans. Just make sure he rests.”

Steve came over to bucky well bruce walked out the door.

His hair was all over and Steve took the liberty of moving a few strands from his face.

He looked so peaceful well asleep. And Steve felt so bad that he wasn't there for him. He should have found him sooner. He should've been looking.

  
“Im-.... im so  _ sorry _ buck.” steve said as a single tear ran down his cheek.


	2. chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the avengers dealing with the bucky situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got this chapter done. oh btw in this chapter there's mentions of different torture methods. nothing really too in depth. but like mentions of starvation and dehydration. ...yeah.

  


Bucky woke up and panicked. 

  


‘ _ Where am i?’ _

  


_ ‘Whats happening?’ _

  


_ ‘Whos…. Whos leaning on me??’ _

  


He realized that someone was leaning on him… asleep. They looked like they had been sitting in a chair next to the bed, but when they fell sleep they fell over.

  


“Ugh….”

  


The other person instantly sat up, woken from sleep.

  


“b-UCKy? They asked, still groggy.

  


Bucky was scared for a minute, not recognizing the blonde hair, blue eyes, soft lips- _oh_

  


“Ste-eve?” their voice came out more hoarse then they had wished.

  


“Hi, bucky yes im here.” steve sounded very clingy if he did say so himself.

  


“Where,... are we? Me? Were am i?”

  


Steve sat up and calmed down a little bit, since he knows buckys not hurt or anything.

  


“Oh well, were in the avengers tower. Tony starks tower? New york?”

  


Bucky grew quiet, but his eyes widened a little.

  


“I brought you here because we were injured. Remember? We fought? But its okay.”

  


It was only now bucky realised he was in a hospital bed. Steve watched as his eyes traced his body, seeing the cuts, the bruises, watching as he noticed the IV in his arm.

  


And then instantly pullinG IT OUT- “BUCKY NO! WhaT? Why? You cant just puLL NEEDLES from your ARM!”

  


“No. no drugs.” he said firmly. But steve still watched him with panicked eyes.

  


“Bucky-”

  


“Please…” he added quietly.

  


And steve stopped. His mouth becoming a thin line, and his eyebrows knitting together.

  


“Fine. but just so you know those were painkillers, and fluids.”

  


“I can just drink water.” he didn't bother mentioning he was use to pain by now.

  


“Can we… can we please leave steve?” bucky asked ,the desperateness he held he only hoped wasnt too obvious. He didnt want to know what the avengers did to people like him.

  


“Bucky we cant leave, hydra is still on our tail, and so is shield, and basically all law enforcment. This is our safest bet.”

  


Bucky slouched back in the bed, and felt his eyes sag a little more… he tried to stay awake, scared to fall asleep…

  


“Its okay you can fall asleep.” steve said.

  


“No i cant…” he didn't want to admit he was scared of not being conscious, not aware of what was happening.

  


“It's Okay bucky, your body needs lots of rest, don't worry, ill be here, ill wake you if anything happens. Which i doubt it will.”

  


Buck gave him one last look before closing his eyes and drifting off.

  


**[POV: tony.]**

  


“Guys, we just let a terrorist into the avengers tower.”

  


They all sat in the meeting room trying to figure out where to go next.

  


“Well if its any help tony, when i treated him he was very injured. I doubt he could run well right now.” bruce said.

  


“What do you mean? Hes an assassin he probably trains five times a day.”

  


“Well from what i gathered, it seems his training consisted more of physical abuse, starvation, and dehydration. Basically he ran around and either didnt eat and drink, or just didn't have enough food and water to sustain himself.” bruce added grimly.

  


“So what are we doing with him now?” clint asked.

  


When nobody answered he continued.

  


“I mean, its obvious cap wants him to stay, but we cant harbour a criminal.” 

  


“And,” natasha added

  


“If we kick out the guy, steve will hate us. And wherever the assassin goes, steve follows.”

  


Everyone stayed silent in thought.

  


Meanwhile, they didnt know that steve had asked FRIDAY to let him hear what they were talking about. So he had just heard their entire conversation from down in the medical wing.

  


“I cant let them just keep talking about throwing you out…” steve said quietly too a sleeping bucky.

  
  


“FRIDAY, can you pull up all S.H.I.E.L.D.S files on the winter soldier. 

“ _ Okay,” _

  


A holographic screen appeared on the wall. And on it was various papers, and images of and about bucky,- not bucky. This wasn't bucky, the blood, murdering, guns…. This was the winter soldier.

  


The pictures showed bucky in many scenarios. one was him in a chair like the one he had first found him in, with people supposedly hydra agents around him.

  


There was another photo of him shooting a bunch of people, and it made steve feel sick.

  


He went through some more images and papers before he found it- a video.

  


“FRIDAY? Whats this?”

  


“ _ This is a video from S.H.I.E.L.D’s database, but it was originally filmed in hydra, the terrorist organization. its of the winter soldiers mind manipulation torture experiments.” _

  


“Wait, mind manipulation? So they did do something to bucky…” he didn't even want to say the words ‘torture’ and ‘experiments’ when thinking of his bucky.   
  


“ _ From what S.H.I.E.L.D has gathered, we know that the winter soldier was tortured, and his brain manipulated until he forgot his past. They used him as only a weapon. Bringing him out when needed, and putting him away until the next mission. Making him forget his past was easier so they could use him.” _

  


“Wait….” something turned in steves stomach and his blood ran cold. FRIDAY kept going.

  
  


_ “Hydra used the assassin to do acts of terrorism. And so S.H.I.E.L.D decided to give the mission ‘terminate winter soldier’ to the avengers. Like yourselves.” _

  


“FRIDAY _?...” _

  


_ “Yes Mr. rogers?” _

  


“Your telling me S.H.I.E.L.D knew bucky was being manipulated, knew that he wasnt in control, S.H.I.E.L.D KNEW that he was being used, And instead of calling us to save him they decided, to just let us kill him?” he felt his heart drop to his stomach and angry hot tears prick his eyes.

  


_ “S.H.I.E.L.D was aware that the winter soldier ‘bucky’ was being manipulated. They had secured files from hydra, that revealed such. I assume S.H.I.E.L.D decided terminating the winter soldier took out the threat, easier than negotiating.” _

  


“FRIDAY. Please call the avengers down to the medical wing. Tell them its urgent.”

  


_ “Sir, Mr.Rogers, is requesting everyone's presence in the medical wing. He says its urgent.” _

  


Everyone stood up quickly ready to bolt, before FRIDAY interrupted.

  


_ “He's told me to tell you and I quote “don't come down all geared up and avenger-y. Meet outside the med wing as not to scare bucky. We need to talk.” end quote. _

  


“Avenger-y?” tony repeated.   
  


They calmed down a little, but were all still on edge as they made their way down to the med wing.

  


When they all got there Steve was standing outside, the room bucky slept, waiting for them.

  


“Okay loverman what's this about?” tony asked seeming bored already.

  


“Has the assassin attacked you?” thor asked.

  


“No. guys im fine, bucky's back there sleeping, and don't call him an assassin.”

  


“Why not he is literally an assassin??” tony stated.

  


“That's what we need to talk about. Because I found something. So i was looking through classified S.H.I.E.L.D.S files with the help of FRIDAY-”

  


“Wait tony your AI can access CLASSIFIED files from S.H.I.E.L.D?” Natasha asked.

  


“Well yeah, those guys are always hiding something. Dont worry, I'm not looking through them..., a lot, i only get info on what i need.”

  


“Well maybe you should've looked at these, cause if you saw the ‘winter soldier’s classified files you would've seen that S.H.I.E.L.D KNEW, bucky was being manipulated by hydra. They wiped his memories and used him like another weapon. and still instead of saving him, S.H.I.E.L.D wanted us to kill him, letting us think he was an assassin.”

  


Every one had gone silent, nat was looking at steve, with clint holding her shoulder comfortingly, wanda was staring into space and vision was pondering in his own thoughts. Bruce had put a hand covering his mouth and thor looked guilty. each processing what they just heard.

  


Tony stood, the same, not having changed.

  


“FRIDAY, is this true?”

  


_ “Yes boss. The winter soldier was used by hydra, using forms of mental torture. And physical torture. S.H.I.E.L.D knew he was not in control and kept that info hidden from the avengers.” _

  


“What tortures specifically FRI?” tony asked, somewhat scared to hear the answer. 

  


“ _ From what S.H.I.E.L.D knows, they used tortures such as beating, cutting, different experimentations for min manipulation, starving/and dehydrating, water boarding,-”  _

  


“Ugh- okay FRI- um thanks.”

  


At the words ‘water boarding’ it got all too familiar.

  


Steve was about to say something when tony looked behind him and tensed

  


“hEY- WOAH!” the door to the medical room swung opened and bucky ran out, he punched tony square in the jaw, leaving him on the ground. 

  


“BUCKY NO!” steve said.

  


**_Shit shit shit- shit shittt!_ **

He started fighting with nat and clint, and kept up with them fairly well.

  


Before anyone else could attack, Tony in a suit, tackled Bucky into a wall, and using the suit's force, stuck his metal arm into the wall, and bent it around some pipes so it stayed still.

  


"right so bruce what was that about being weak? probably not able to run?" tony asked.

  


“Look-” Bucky said as the avengers moved into defensive poses.

  


“You can take me, ill go with you- but just leave steve.”

  


Everyone paused.

  


‘ _ What?’  _ was the general question filling the air.

  


“Steve has a mind of steel, he would rather die, then give you anything. my minds already fucked up. If you need someone easy to control, it would be me. You don't want to waste time on him.” he said breathing heavily. 

  


Tony walked up to him, 

  


“Tony wait, he didn't mean to attack us-” steve started, but tony interrupted him, talking to bucky.

  


“We aren't going to hurt you, or steve.”

  


Steve took a breath of relief. A confused one, but definitely of relief.

  


“Look, i didn't know what happened to you. I thought you were just a terrorist that worked for hydra. But if its true they did… all  _ that _ to you, then… well then you deserve the avengers protection. You and can stay here. i dont give a shit what S.H.I.E.L.D says about it. if they even have the audacity.”

  


Tony watched as the soldier stared back.

  


“We won't hurt you or anything. Don't worry. _We_ aren't terrorists.” tony said, well looking back and making sure the avengers all lowered their weapons.

He waited a second.

  


“So are we good?” 

  


Bucky stared before nodding slowly.

  


“Okay.” he undid the pipes from his metal arm and waited for him to attack. But bucky never did, he instead instantly went to steve, 

steve and him rejoiced in a bone crushing hug. but for two super soldiers it was nothing. steve was saying something the others couldn't hear well his face was pressed against bucky's shoulder. and bucky had his eyes squeezed shut nuzzled into steves neck. 

the way they held each other it seemed they were their only life lines for each other. their friendship seemed deep.

  


And tony guessed it went deeper then he knew.


	3. memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some memories are forming....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay in this chapter stuffs happening. also there's talk about food. like being underfed, trouble with eating, so watch out for that. but also it be getting gay.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They held hands as steve pulled bucky into the elevator, and up into their own floor. Letting the avengers do their own thing. Bucky was still hesitant to be in the tower it seemed, but steve knew that he needed rest. He had to heal. 

bucky noticed well his hand was being held, just how much he missed touch. safe touch, not attacks, not... not bad touch.

steve lead him to his room, and slightly pushed him to sit the bed. It was soft, and had many blankets. He liked soft.

“Steve, i- i cant sleep, i- not again.” bucky said even though seemed tired.

Steve furrowed his brows and looked down. He often did this in thought. Bucky watched him and smiled a little, he felt something in his chest, a feeling that was so familiar with steve. But he couldn't quite place.

“Okay, well how about the couch? You could rest and watch tv, well i make some food? You don't have to sleep, but your body needs to rest. Badly.” 

He nodded, and he followed steve into the living room, like all areas of the tower and this floor, everything was sleek and silver. With big windows. Bucky didn't know if he liked it or not.

They made it to the couch, which was soft and made of grey fabric. Bucky slowly allowed himself to lay down facing the tv. Steve put on some disney movie and bucky smiled. 

“Its a- kids move steve.” he tried to say, as it came on, but his voice came out tired and slow.

“Yep. and its the one your watching cause i love disney, and trust me, we didn't have stuff like this back in the day. I remember one time you and me were listening to the radio, and you got so angry when the signal was spazzing out. Well nowadays they have this stuff. And its great.”

Steve smiled at the memory and went to make food. But bucky felt that fog in his mind. Anytime he tried to reach a memory it went blank. Nothing. He wished he could have known that he enjoyed the radio, he wished he could have remembered steve better. He wished - well, he wished for a lot to be different. 

He felt himself come back to reality, and instead of his mind, bucky started to focus on the movie. It was cute. Fox and a hound became friends, although it wasn't meant to be.

Something about that seemed familiar to bucky. 

Eventually steve came back to the couch sitting on the other side of buck, and handed him a bowl of macaroni and cheese.

Bucky looked at it, and then back at steve, who hadn't noticed and was eating his own food watching the movie.

He felt a little nervous with food. It had always been a reward, or sometimes before a mission they fed him well for about a month, just to make sure his body was at full strength, before depriving him again until he killed.

So now just being handed some, he, he didn't know what to do.

‘ _ Its not a reward, you didn't do anything bad… you didn't hurt anyone for this.’ _

**_‘You hurt the avengers’_ **

Bucky froze. He did. He had hurt them, he realizes now they aren't hydra but… but when he woke up and steve wasn't there, and he looked to the hall it looked like, they were taking him… and…

  
  


Steve had now taken note at how bucky was looking at the food blank gaze, breathing fast, 

“Hey bucky?” steve said softly.

Bucky looked up at steve.

“Im fine.”

Steve looked at him. With only care and concern.

“Is it the food?”

Bucky hesitated, 

‘ **_Dont be vulnerable. All foods good. Foods gives strength. Your fine._ ** ’

_ ‘No…i can be vulnerable with steve. steve is, is safe.’ _

“Ye- eah.” he said slowly.

Steve was trying to find something to say but bucky beat him to it.

“I know i have to eat, cause im injured. I- i know. Its just, back in, hydra…”

Steve remembered what bruce had said about being underfed...

“Food was... “ bucky only realised now maybe he _wasnt_ ready to talk about this… but he just shrugged that feeling off as best as he could.

“Well it was used as a reward, or to make me strong for a mission. They only fed me when i … i- ugh did well on a mission, or they gave me lots of food a few weeks before a big mission so i was as strong as possible… so my relationship with food is just kinda…. I dont know its stupid.”

Steve's eyes were sad, and bucky didnt like the pity.

“Stop giving me those sad eyes steve.”

“Sorry, its just… thats awful buck. Im- im so sorry.”

Bucky just hummed “mm” in response. He turned back to the movie, and steve stared a little longer before also going back to watching.

They sat on the couch, until the movie ended, steve had finished his food early on, and by the end of the movie bucky had tried his best, and eaten about a quarter. But after that put it down and didn't touch it again. they both decided they would try and get some sleep after that.

“Okay well if you need anything, please wake me up, and uh, yeah. Night buck.”

“Night steve…”

steve went to turn away before adding

“And bucky,”

Bucky looked back up, back at steve's eyes, blue, calm, beautiful,-

_ ‘beautiful?’ _

“It's good to have you back. I'm happy were here, together.”

He left, then without another word. But something had changed.

  
  


‘ _ I'm happy we're here together.’ _

_ ‘ happy were here together’ _

**_‘ were here together’..._ **

The fog in his mind eased, as a memory came back to bucky, forcing itself to the front.

**_“Here it is!” steve opened the door to a dingy old apartment. It looked run down, but bucky smiled._ **

**_“It looks like crap.” he said well still smiling, he turned to steve._ **

**_Steve looked at bucky's eyes, coming closer._ **

**_“Well it cant be too bad, i mean, we got a bed, a couch, the rents cheap,”_ **

**_Bucky held steves arm and walked in, closing the door as he did so,_ **

**_“Yeah, and were here together…”_ **

**_Then they leaned in, and kissed in the living room of their first apartment together._ **

Bucky felt the emotions that kiss caused, _remembering the heart flutter, and that feeling! The one he had in his chest!, and after was hit with a wave of more memories, he remembered, holding steves hand well walking down the street, laughing with him,_ _ kissing, with him…. _

_ He remembered the restaurants they went too _ , he remembered… well… that was about it. Although these feelings were vague… bucky was glad he had them back.

He felt that familiar feeling in his chest, he felt it in his cheeks, his  _ stomach. _

_ Love. _

He looked once more at the hall where steves room was, 

_...steve. _


End file.
